☁️ 🌧️ 💧 ☁️ 🤍 💧

i am really so sorry

— yes u, Chikay 🤍 —

i'm not good at saying this out loud. so i built u somewhere quiet to hear it ~ take ur time with it. 🤍

it gets warmer further down ↓

✦ 01 · the honest part ✦

here's exactly what i did

no softer words for it. no spinning it. u deserve to hear me say it plainly first.

— the part i can't take back —

i said something i knew would hurt u, and i said it anyway because i wanted to win the argument or i wanted to defend myself more than i wanted u to feel okay.

then i went quiet for days and let u sit in it alone.that was the worse part.

i'm not going to tell u i was tired, or stressed, or that u also said and did things. none of that is the point right now.

no "but" no "u also" no "i didn't mean it"

i was wrong. fully. that's the whole sentence ~

✦ 02 · your side of it ✦

i think it felt like this

the things u typed out and deleted. i've been imagining them all week.

Chiquiii 🤍

drafts u never sent

i wasn't even asking for much. i just wanted u to hear me.

the silence hurt more than the actual fight did.

i kept checking my phone. that's the embarrassing part.

i'm not even angry anymore. i'm just tired.

i heard all of it. even the ones u never sent. 🤍

i'm not guessing to look sweet ~ i'm guessing because i finally sat down and thought about u instead of me.

✦ 03 · not just words ✦

what actually changes

tap each one to hold me to it. sorry without this part is just noise ~

no more silence mid conversation. i'll say "i need a minute" out loud instead.

when u tell me something hurt, my first sentence will be "u're right", not "in my defense".

no more 2-day silences. worst case i text u "i'm still upset but i'm here."

i'll bring it up first next time. u won't have to be the one who always starts the hard talk.

and if i slip ~ u can point at this exact page and i'll shut up and fix it.

no bringing up old fights to win a new one. that stops today.

phone down when u're talking. actually down, not face-down-but-still-checking.

i'll ask how u're doing about it a week later too, not just on the day i apologise.

0 ticked ~ take ur time, read them properly first

✦ 04 · the weather between us ✦

help me clear it ☁️

i can't move this one on my own. push the cloud ~ three times should do it.

☀️

☁️

👆 tap the cloud

it's been grey like this for days. i know i'm the reason.

✦ 05 · what i'm asking for ✦

this. this is the us i want back

i went looking through our photos last night. watch the colour come back into them ~

u laughing at something i said 🥹

nothing special. that's the point.

when talking to me was easy ✦

this one lives on my lockscreen 🤍

i'm not asking u to pretend everything didn't happen ~ i'm asking for a shot at getting us back here, slowly, properly.

✦ 06 · the long version ✦

p.s. the whole thing

since i had u all the way down here ~

hey by/love/baby 🤍,

i've been carrying this around since it happened.

not in the dramatic way ~ in the quiet way, where i keep replaying the exact second i could've chosen better and didn't.

here's the thing i actually want u to know:

i'm not sorry because u're upset with me. i'd be sorry even if u'd forgiven me on the spot.

i'm sorry because i made the safest person in my life feel unsafe. and that's not a small thing to me.

u don't owe me a reply today. or tomorrow. u don't owe me a "it's okay" just to make the air normal again.

take however long u need ~ i'll be right here, being better in the meantime, not just promising it.

and when u're ready, i'd really love to hug u about it.

i am sorry. i love u. both of those are true at once.

— CJ, still yours ✦

(this page stays up. so does the promise.)